And this is my story about NOT GIVING UP. It was around spring of 2010 and I began to break out in weird bumps that I would not let alone. I would not let them alone for so long and so consistently that I would have sores, open sores on my legs that would scab up and I would pick and pick and pick. I would wake at all hours of the night and I would pick. I found this strange comfort in the picking, trying to make these imperfections smooth. So many of you know my story. I have shared it over and over and over again. Mostly in hopes of getting some help. There were times I felt so hopeless I literally wanted to die. This sounds so dramatic but it's the truth. I would rip myself up so much that it hurt, it hurt really bad and although it felt really good while I was doing it, I always ended feeling like an addict who couldn't get ahold of herself and then suffered from this great remorse. "Maybe this will be the last time?" " Maybe it will have to get really bad and I mean the worst ever before it will be better?" Sometimes I scratched so hard only clear sap would weep out of my sores and I would often compare my big thick legs to actual tree trunks that wept sap and were a lost cause. But since so many of my readers, friends and family know my story this is all I will say about the PAST. And this post will be the LAST POST I make about my sore legs.
I'm finally healed. I have no more scabs or open wounds. NONE. I do have what looks like scarring but the doctor assures me it will heal perfectly so what I think to be scars just needs to continue to heal. It was so many years of abuse to my skin that it will take some time for them to look like new again. But they will because I never gave up and I would always say "there is always hope"
So on the days you keep looking for the answers but the answers don't seem to come and on the days you feel like completely throwing your hands up and giving up I beg you to keep going. Just keep going. Never, ever give up. You will fail so many times and I mean countless times, like years of failure but if you give up then you will never reach success. You just have to keep pushing through. No matter what keep pushing. Because yesterday when I saw the 3rd dermatologist and 7th doctor over all he said and I quote "You know what a success story is? You are a success story...YOU" He went on to say, "what you did was hard, really hard, and a lot of people can't do it, but you did it. And I can't believe how quickly you are healing" I got high fives and tight hugs and I nearly cried tears of joy...only I didn't. I saved that for when I got into the car.
I learned so much in these 6 years.
I learned that God never once gave up on me
I learned to finally stand up for myself
I learned that addiction can come in many forms
I learned that perfection does not exist in any human
I learned that change is really, really hard
I learned that loving yourself is as important as loving others
I learned that by not giving up I finally discovered what it's like to be set free
I learned that some days would be harder than others but all days would hold a blessing
I learned who my real friends were
I learned that when people believe in you that's awesome
really big wonderful things can happen when you believe in yourself
I learned that God does come first but this doesn't mean He wants us to neglect self care
I can only hope too that because I experienced some discomfort, depression and some hard life lessons that I can help others by sharing my story here today and I promise from here on out we only talk about the NOW...not the past and not the future but the NOW and the now is pretty amazing today.