I have never been a part of a blogroll but when Staci Lee invited me I was actually flattered that she thought of me. I said yes and quickly missed the very first deadline. It’s so different when you have a shared topic and a deadline. I believe this blogroll will stretch me as a writer and as a person, this second topic was an extremely difficult one. Had me dig really deep. Dug up some raw feelings and in the process of thinking it all out I’m able to share some of my story that I have not talked about in over 2 decades.
Come with me if you will to when I was a petite 18 year old girl. A girl who didn’t quite fit in. A feisty redhead who was confident in her skin, so much so that in some ways it didn’t matter to her that she didn’t fit in and she embraced that part about being different yet there was this emptiness that she couldn’t quite fill up. She was quiet, she was shy and she was for sure an introvert. She experienced a great feeling of not belonging. Not just belonging to social groups in school but belonging to this world at all. This was even harder for her to comprehend because she attended a Christian private school and she was raised in church. It was an interesting time. She experienced such sadness and so many thoughts she could barely keep up with them so…. she wrote. She wrote a lot. She has always written a lot.
She also heard voices. The voices were not even human. They scared her. She would yell at them. “leave me alone” “Go away!” But they never left, they followed her.
Her thoughts were dark. She felt very alone. She didn’t talk to anyone about it. She just sat in the dark and wondered how she could get out of a place where she didn’t belong?
Ironically 27 Halloween’s ago she decided the best way to get out of where she didn’t belong was to drink herself to death. She was petite and it probably wouldn’t take too much. She wrote a small note and slipped it into her front pocket. “Sorry mom and dad, it’s not your fault” and before she left she took a few long drags of her dad’s scotch and off she went. The boys knew where to buy alcohol . The boys told her about night train. That Halloween night the boys took her to buy a bottle of that nasty stuff and went to a party. A party she barley has a memory of. Then the boys wanted to see this really scary halloween movie. She can’t even remember the theater. The only thing she remembers is complete blackness and a feeling of calm. Until she began to choke on the tube in her throat. She was told later she had passed out in the ladies restroom and a stranger called for an ambulance. Was it a stranger or was it her angel?
To this very day she believes she was given a second chance. A chance to be filled with light, a chance to understand, to have a testimony. Her story had so many chapters left, so many more words, added characters and stories that included miracles, imperfection, love and forgiveness. Because she knew what it was like to not belong she was given the ability to accept the ones who also didn’t belong. To understand them, to love them and to encourage them, introduce them to the light. The light that saved her life.