I’m finishing up a good book and finishing a good book is always kind of sad. Yesterday as I read page 213 in “Seeing Beyond Tuesday” by Emily P. Freeman and I quote her here; “ But then the phone rings or we’ll get up for our chair pass a mirror in the hallway and notice the pounds we’ve gained. We’ll move into the laundry room and see that new shirt that needs to lay flat to dry, the wall we want to re-paint, the memo with the grocery list” She even talked about missing a wedding due to her lack of organization. Guess who closely relates to so many of her words and her honesty? Me. I do. While I read this I realize I’m not alone. I know in my heart I’m never alone yet I just today walked by the big windows at church and took a quick glance and I saw an overweight gal….me. Just like she said and how much does that really matter in the big vast world when so many other things are far more important? Lives to be saved, time with family, love. Yet, still those feelings flooded my mind. Then I came home and ate some candy, had a few spoon fulls of raw brownie mix. Im pitiful, really I am.
I sat in front of my computer and visited some of my creative venues and I began to itch and pull at my skin because in my mind I will never measure up. I compare when I know this is exactly what I shouldn’t be doing. I often feel like walking totally away from this inspiring technology. I had this idea, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who ever had this one idea but I even verbalized it to my family more than a month ago. It involved the go-pro, water and a blue dress. We had trouble with a green and murky pool so I have been waiting patiently as it clears and it has somewhat cleared and before I could execute my “idea” I watched some films from my classmates and someone had the same sequence I had envisioned. The wind flew out of my sails. I’m still gunna do it because I keep trying to convince myself these things I do are for me but if this person saw it she may automatically think I stole her idea. So sometimes staying away from this creative world might be a good idea, it may not cloud my ideas or make me feel inadequate.
On the flip side I have always worked better in teams and collaborations. I feed off people even though I’ m a complete introvert. In another creative group we are slowly, thank goodness SLOWLY going through the artist way. So in the few weeks I have imperfectly done my morning pages, sometimes completing my three pages, other times barely half a page, and if I’m being totally honest not even in the morning, sometimes it’s in the wee hours, or while I’m waiting to pick up the kids from school. I’m trying so hard not to beat myself up for not being perfect in this practice. Pep talking myself constantly that “I’m doing my best” Just doing these pages daily I have been sparked by a few new creative ideas that I do want to execute. I started one this week called the table chronicles. So simple, just pictures of our common dining table and what ends up on it. Or it could be my bathroom window ledge, what ends up there. The daily somewhat mundane things that have always seemed to captivate me and feel important and worth documenting. These can be projects and yes they are creative.
And right now I still just want to bury myself under my sheets and sleep a good several hours but that’s probably because I ate a bunch of candy and brownie batter. That’s the honest truth but as the go pro charges I may just execute my one clip for the film I have in mind. We’ll see.