I have not taken STOCK in 10 years

It’s been 10 years since I have taken stock, I started this particular blog 10 years ago in April 2015. I’m so glad I did. Before that I shared on Wordpress, I’m sure it’s still out there someplace. While I have been spending so much of my time on You Tube I have missed it here since I LOVE to write and take photographs. Here I am 10 years older, hopefully 10 years wiser.

MADE: hand made post card with water color and black pen.

COOKED/BAKED:  sourdough bread

Drank: lots of coffee and tea with lemonade

READ: Corinne’s April news letter and started Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle, Bible in a Year

WANTED: A little April Showers as our photo prompt is RAIN

RECEIVED: some beautiful and unexpected gifts. The Roehr Tribe sent so many kind things in a box, hand made soaps, notes, drawings, hair ties and candies, Corinne sent me a book, Jen gave me a book too along with a home made granny square and a print of disco strawberries.    

DECIDED:  to show up as myself even when it’s not popular

WISHED:  political divide were not such a thing

ENJOYED:  my yoga practice on Tuesday’s

WONDERED:  why some people need all the control and since I don’t understand, I let go.

WORKED ON: being more mindful and living in the moments

STARTED:  this blog again

WATCHED:  the Life List

HOPED:  love could conquer all

NEEDED: Nothing, wanted fun things like a new red lamy pen

SMELLED:  palo santo sage candle from Allisons collection

WORE:   the same cheap olive green sweater for far too long

NOTICED:  I’m getting a little bit wiser after all these years….just a little with much more to go.

KNEW:  time never stops for anyone

THANKFUL FOR: my life

ADMIRED: friends who reach out and love even when they lead busy lives themselves.  

SORTED: buttons and bits

BOUGHT:  Pretty blue canisters with white flowers, a wax bulb to watch grow, the red lamy pen and a fancy paint brush

FINALLY:   got to see two You Tube creators who I have met while making films, Ess aka Sahala and Jen Gold (Beautiful Life Sage)

DISLIKED: the feelings that come up inside me, like anxiety and sadness for our world.

FELT: grateful, I’m always so grateful for all I have been given

SNACKED: sourdough crackers I have been obsessed with making

LISTENED: a lot of Frank Sinatra and the likes

DISCOVERED: I can do whatever my heart desires in this life, like blogging again because as I looked back on this blog it filled my heart with gratitude and I will never regret being the record keeper of my life.

BIG NEWS

ORIGINAL POST NEVER WENT LIVE WAS IN JUNE OF 2023

I thought about it for a long time. I considered what it would be like to have a YouTube channel. Last week as I planned my days and tried to slide into a new routine I also decided to start this YouTube thing once and for all.

I began my morning routine and after achieving the first few tasks I set for myself and meandered downstairs to begin the next part of my loose plan, I decided to start filming what I was up to. I just kept filming little bits of my morning. I had carved out some creative time and during that time block I pulled the clips in, did a quick edit, added music and a voice over and voila! My very first “official” video was live.

This week I have practiced my edits. I have filmed a couple little short videos. Morning Routine, a Wander in my favorite park and finally an introduction of myself. I’m not sure if I will stick with it. It’s something new to try, I will learn new things. I get excited at the prospect of getting better with each short film I make.

I’ve personally enjoyed YouTube for many years. I can almost find anything I’m thinking about on this platform. If I have a question on how to do something or make something, I can usually find a how to video. It’s endless the amount of content shared on YouTube.

Why would I want to share in this moving film format? It goes all the way back to my youth. I have always loved filming and taking pictures since I was in the 6th grade. My parents let me use their video camera whenever I wanted. I would direct commercials for my friends to be in, I would curate fashion shows, I would have interviews with my friends, with my mom, with the cat (lol).

My grandfather not only taught me how to shoot a film camera he also introduced me to video medium. I once went with him to a wedding he was filming and he trusted me to be his second shooter. I have a vivid memory of a horse and carriage that took the newly wed couple away and I remember panning it and thinking, “this will make a good ending clip for the film”

All this to say, I think it’s important to remember who we were before the world ruined us, before our age set limits for us, before we took others opinions as our own. I believe I was meant to be the memory keeper. This has come in many mediums. I love moving pictures, always have. This is why I made this brave choice to share on YouTube.

We will see how it goes. If you would like to join me there I can be found on YOU TUBE Life in the Wylde West

PEACE LOVE

This was my very first video on YouTube. This June will be 2 years of creating.

Learning New Things...Can be Frustrating

“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” — Benjamin Franklin

Almost exactly one year ago in May, Motorcycle man gifted me an iPad. I primarily use it to watch Youtube, Netflix and get ideas from Pinterest. However I was really excited at the time thinking about using it to make art. R.J. got me a “pen” to go along with the iPad because she knew it was an interest of mine.

I had all the tools to try something new and here we are a year later and just yesterday I paid for the app called “procreate”. It’s a digital drawing app.

I was sent some instructional videos to watch and immediately felt overwhelmed. It seemed too hard to learn something new. I decided to first play with the app before trying to move through an instructional video. I pulled in a drawing I did from my photo library and played with color. I became frustrated fairly quick. I kept reminding myself that I’ve been here before. I have been in places that I have no idea how to do something, it always comes with loads of frustration. It comes with feelings of wanting to quit. I even let a little anger sneak out and the anger starts to talk back at me. It says things like “your stupid”, “you will never figure this out”

Guess what? Scarlet is a lier. She is the rude being who lives inside of me and says mean things. She has no idea what I’m capable of. I remember when I was learning to make videos. I had to use a new app I had never used before. It came with loads of frustration, it came with me wanting to quit and there Scarlet was, as usual telling me I couldn’t do it because I wasn’t smart enough. I had plenty of fails, learning curve after learning curve. Until one day, it started to click and I kept practicing making movies, I took classes and I practiced more. Now I know how to make and edit family movies because I didn’t give up. I kept trying through all the frustrations and mistakes.

Below is my very first attempt at making art on procreate. I can’t wait to learn more. I can’t wait to keep practicing. One day, I’ll be able to make art on my iPad because I didn’t give up.

Plant your pumpkins

There are three things I’ve learned never to discuss with people: politics, religion and the great pumpkin.

*Charlie Brown

It’s time! I poured a lot into this blog over the years. I began with Wordpress which had a beautiful community of people. Then I found out about SquareSpace, it seemed to have less ads but this also came with a price. I purchased my own domain and began to create a new blog. Unfortunately, I got caught up in social media. Specifically Instagram. I started to use my iPhone as my primary picture taker and memory maker and posted all my memories and ordinary moments on I.G. I didn’t seem to have time to sit in front of an actual computer at a desk and reflect on the beauty of my days.

I used to go out into our world, more specifically my little community and take pictures with my DSLR. I didn’t seem to mind carrying that big camera around, much like a purse, always with me. This goes back to when I was a teenager and often would have my real film camera slung over my shoulder.

I’m making a mindful choice to step back in time. I know it may sound silly but I long for simpler days. I don’t like how I have allowed my smart phone and social media to take hold of my precious time.

I have decided to give up I.G.and spend more time writing my blog posts and speaking my podcast under the same name, “Life in the Wylde West”. I’m still using technology however I’m using it in a different more mindful way. I remember a decade ago when I would go through my days with my eyes wide open. I would take pictures of ordinary, extraordinary moments and sit with a hot cup of coffee in front of my computer and write about the blessings in my day. I would often share a picture with my words or even a video. I have decided to bring it back!

A couple weeks ago I was inspired to buy a bag of pumpkin seeds. I threw them in the old washtub we have in the back yard. This morning when I took my cup of coffee to the backyard to do some grounding, I noticed some leaf’s had popped their heads out above the earths surface!!! I was instantly filled with JOY. Planting seeds brings such HOPE. It has always been a visual reminder to me that when we plant seeds, water, nurture, give them plenty of sun and room to grow, they will indeed GROW!

Here is to the beginning of taking myself back to simpler times. I truly want to spend time connecting with people, finding time for creativity and making mindful nourishing choices.

CHEERS, HUZZAH!

Goodbye Chapter 10

“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places. But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater.”

— J.R.R. Tolkien

Chapter 10 has now come to an end and with it came new memories. I saw people, actually lots of people! Safely of course. I was beginning to become somewhat of a Hobbit speaking of Mr. Tolkien (lol) When I saw my therapist at the start of the month I shared how I was a little depressed and didn’t want to leave the house, only to go to work and maybe the store every now and then. She encouraged me to spend time with people, that it’s ok to see people and in fact I should be seeing people. It’s all good and wonderful that we have technology to speak on video calls but she said, video chats are not a replacement for real live get togethers. I made an effort to see friends and family in October. I’m grateful I opened up to making time to see them. It did uplift my spirts and of course I had more time because It’s been an entire month since I have visited or posted anything on Facebook or Instagram.

October had some ups and downs. We lost our little Toby boy to a tragic and unforeseen accident, that was very difficult. Bless his little tiny soul. He had a big personality for a little furry orange guy. He left his impression that’s for sure. He was too curious and adventurous for his own good and it landed him in the worst trouble of all. We only had him just over a year and as Dylan reminded me, “legends die young” Rich had to do the hard stuff and buried his little body in the backyard and made him a cross. Rest in Peace little man.

I’m still recording my podcast. I’m proud of myself for keeping that consistent. My very first and very terrible episode was posted on September 25th 2019 this means I have had a podcast Just over one year:) It began as a way to fulfill my dream of moving but turned into more of a little bit of this and that. I sometimes tell stories of the past or share little details of my week. Only a few people listen just like only a few people read this blog. I do so much of this for myself. I’ve been a word writer since I was a pre-teen and I’ve always talked out loud to myself since I could speak and the podcast is just an extension of that. It will be a voice for my children to listen to when I’m gone. Things always seem more important once someone is gone. My podcast is under the same name, Life In the Wylde West.

Remember to keep swimming and don’t give up. I’m still working on my drawings and doodles. It’s a process and sometimes I draw the worst possible drawings one could ever imagine but that’s ok because if I don’t keep trying I’ll never get any good.

“If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.”

— Mark Twain

This morning was such a great morning. I got up 20 minutes earlier than usual because I wanted to do a 20 minute yoga routine. Mostly stretching. My yoga teacher moved up North and I miss her dearly but she decided to start up a YouTube channel and now I can practice with her through technology. In this particular practice she recites the Lords Prayer several times throughout the practice. It was a lovely way to begin my day. Then I did a short meditation on James 4:8 Draw near to God and he will draw near to you. That simple. It was short and to the point but stuck with me throughout the day. After I did these two out of the ordinary things in my morning I sat (here the picture above) yes my little studio desk sure has a lot going on however that’s what makes this photo so interestesting. There is so much to look at, one could almost miss our cat, Luna in the center of it all. Gosh I love this picture. She is looking right at me. Prior to having a staring contest with me, she was watching Mr. Bleu our fish swim around his little habitat. I have to watch her like a hawk or else she may decide to eat Mr. Bleu one day and that wouldn't be very good.

That’s all for today. Just checking in.

Chapter 9

The book has been closed to chapter 9, September 2020. I have for the past few years saved one picture a day in an app called COLLECT. I love it because it helps me remember what happened in any particular month and year. Sometimes it’s a memory or even a picture sent to me by someone I love. In a similar way I have also collected short video clips daily for a couple years in another app called the 1 second everyday. In this way I get to re-visit moving memories. I would say for most of my adult life I have been a great memory keeper. In picture, videos, journals and words. It’s almost like second nature to me. I can’t image how life would be without a camera in my hand. The iPhone has certainly taken the place of my DSLR and for sure my film cameras. It’s convenient and Apple has mastered the quality of photos in a tiny little pocket sized computer/phone that easily can be carried with us wherever we go. I feel guilty for neglecting my “BIG” camera and apps like FaceBook and Instagram have made it simple to take a picture on our smart phone and upload directly from our phone to the app where our friends and family can see what we are sharing for the day. I have fallen into this trap because it’s easy and convenient and I don’t have to sit at my desk in front of a big computer screen and upload photos to my photo library to then upload to a website to share. It was time consuming in the days of Flickr but those days were by far some of my favorite days. In the same way I feel guilty for neglecting my camera I feel sad sometimes to have walked away from a safe creative place to share things I love. All this to say I have stepped away once again from social media and I’m no longer sharing my days on Facebook or Instagram. I have set a time limit of 3 months to be away however in my heart I really want it to be forever. We shall see how that goes. I took off one week a couple months ago and it felt so AWESOME. It freed up so much of my time to do more things I love.

Below is a video of our September in moving moments and I will for sure be sharing my monthly memories here in this blog. Until next time remember to love one another.

Little Edie has completely captured me BIG time

A couple of days ago I watched a 1975 documentary on YouTube called “Grey Gardens” I have so much more time now that I’m not mindlessly scrolling social media:) I watched the documentary and was completely taken by Big Edith and Little Edith. Where have I been? This 45 year old documentary evidently is a cult classic and I’ve just now discovered it! These lively and eccentric women completely sucked me in. However you must know, I’m a big fan of real life stories. Just today I listened to a one hour interview with a random, not famous 60 year old woman who simply told her life story. I fully enjoyed listening to her story. I love to read autobiography and biography. I will watch documentaries and reality television before I will watch a drama or movie. Please keep that part in mind. This to say, maybe this wouldn’t be for everyone but for sure worth a glimpse just to see:) And if you like this little documentary you will also like the 2008 movie that was made on HBO or Amazon Prime made about the life of these two ladies who lived in Grey Gardens. Little Edie is played by Drew Barrymore and Big Eddie by Jessica Lang. These two actresses were dead ringers for the original mother and daughter pair and also worth watching. You may also get sucked down the rabbit hole of YouTube where you can see the progress of the house and who owns it now. You wouldn’t believe the sale price compared to it’s value today. Also with more time in my schedule today I sat in my studio and drew my version of Edith Bouvier Beale Jr. This was sparked by today’s prompt. The prompt read to illustrate a quote. Being fresh off the Edith obsession, it just seemed right to draw her and share one of her famous lines from the documentary.

That’s all I have for you today. Stay safe and remember to love one another. If you got this far and find you don’t like to read so much, I also have a podcast, by the same name as this blog and it can be found on Spotify or other pod cast applications . It’s a lot like this blog, very unprofessional but you can hear my blog in my voice . It sometimes includes creaky floors, kid interruptions and loud traffic noises. If you don’t mind all of that then you may like to listen to my blog too. I do this simply to have a connection with people. It feels so great to relate with others and I know for myself when I listen to certain podcasts or watch my favorite YouTubers I’m often nodding in agreement and feeling understood. Best of all though are hearing peoples stories. Every single person has a story to tell and it’s worth listening to. It’s how we connect and learn.

A few good things

Times flies doesn’t it? Looking through old photo albums this past weekend and I ran across little me between two of my most influential women. My mom and grandma. I’m blessed beyond to have each of them still in my life and I just turned 50 this past May. As I flipped through the old albums and reminisced, I got to thinking about how much simpler life seemed. How carefree it felt. Yes, technology is amazing, it’s allowing me to express right here in this blog but it also has it’s downside. Lately I’ve been a little down and I know I’m not alone in this. We are all experiencing strange days and as positive as we may try and be and even when we focus on our faith and grow deeper in his Word, we are human, plain and simple. It’s hard not to get down in times like these. I did an entire pod cast on my “down-ness” Then I realized as I was looking at these old photo’s that its up to me to turn it around. What should the game plan be? What can I do to change how I’m feeling, unmotivated and overwhelmed? How about going back to the basics.

I have decided the first step for me is to take what they call a social media cleanse. I pledged to stay completely away from Facebook and Instagram for an entire week. Maybe more if it feels really good! Monday I got off the MEAD. I was telling daily stories on social media and some people had reached out to tell me that they love my stories and it starts their day and that was wonderful to hear but I can’t stay on there to tell stories when it’s not so good for my well being right now. I decided to step away and step back into the basics. Blogging was something I used to LOVE to do. It was a way for me to express my thoughts and share pictures without feeling bombarded on a social media platform. While I know that my mom is probably the only one reading this, it’s ok too. It just feel good to write.

I’m going to have more time to write snail mail, draw and paint pictures in my studio, make recipes, walk outside in the fresh air and spend time with actual humans. It’s going to be awesome. In fact the very night I gave up the MEAD, I went on a walk because my new friend I met in the neighborhood, the one with “#hergivingtree” was having a private concert in her backyard. She told me her father-n-law was giving a free concert from 6-7 Monday evening. I was apprehensive to go because I’m very shy and more of an introvert but I decided to go anyways because I knew if I went I would be blessed in some way or another. I walked through our neighborhood, felt the breeze on my face, listened to wind chimes and birds and as I got closer I could hear the saxophone playing and I followed the sound all the way to her giving tree’s house and listened to the private jazz concert in Becki’s beautiful backyard. Everyone had their masks on and each little family was social distanced. She planned it perfectly. I sat “kind of still” cause I couldn’t help but tap my feet and wiggle my shoulders but mostly sat still and listened, and cried. Yes, little tears of joy shot out of my eye balls and I was thankful for the sunglasses and mask so nobody really had to see me cry. I’m not sure if this will work but I’m going to try and share a clip. He played “when I wish upon a star” and it kind of got to me.

She did it

Abbie our littlest and only girl has graduated high school! We are very proud of her. High School wasn’t so easy for this one. Her first two years of public school came with it’s challenges. Without sharing too much and telling the story that is her story to tell, I will just say that she learned early on that not everyone will like you and sometimes people we look up to can hurt and disappoint us. With these challenges Abbie grew into a strong young woman who can now express empathy for others who have experienced a similar path. The second half of high school was the complete opposite of the first. We were very apprehensive to try the at home program and unconventional school process, however after a small adjustment period, Abbie proved to us it was the best solution for her. Abbie graduated on June 21st from IQ Academy - California Los Angeles. She had to be independent, self starting and diligent to complete the program. Little did we know ALL the students of the world would be finishing this school year on-line. To say the least she is happy to be DONE

If you are considering or have any questions about the K12 state of California school program, send me an email or message and I will be glad to give you our experience and opinion of how it worked for Abbie. I don’t think it’s for every kid but it worked for Abbie. She is a leader and very independent. She was happy to have Disneyland days after a short day of school and she put her faith first and made it a priority to attend her youth group every week, winter camps, summer camp and time just hanging out with her friends she had met at church. She leaned into God the last two years and made the choice to be baptized on March 3rd 2019 just days before her 17th birthday. I’m not saying she is a prefect angel but her life took a sharp turn for the better once we changed her environment.

The little inspiration bird has taken flight once again

You are not going to believe this! I barely believe it! In 2011 I purchased a beautiful little hand crafted bird from my favorite vendor at the Farmers Market. I tell the entire story about this little bird necklace HERE on my old blog. This little inspiration bird made it to 9 different ladies until one day it decided to stay with Eva and be with her for a little while. Eva is a talented photographer who lives in Montreal Canada. I believe by the time it got to Eva it was 2013. I was checking my emails today and I saw I had a flickr message from Eva! June 25, 2020. How can this be? I kept checking the date to see if I wasn’t imagining things. It’s been nearly a decade later and the bird and her travels have decided to take flight once again!!

I remember in my first blog post where I explain the story of this bird and her travels thus far, stating “Its been a wonderful experiment that has gone better than I expected.  All the women she has reached have honored my wish by sending her on her way.  It's also been a lesson of patience for me because there are times where it takes a while for her to reach her next destination but this too is okay because  there are no time limits to this experiment, just  instructions to pass along and place in my flickr group when they feel the timing is right.”

The timing couldn’t be more right! We are ALL in this together and we have never in history experienced an over 100 day quarantine thus far. When wearing a mask to do our grocery shopping is part of our every day life and we can only see a strangers smile when we see it in their kind eyes.

Today my heart felt full when I opened the short note from Eva letting me know that the Little Inspiration Bird was about to take flight and how could the next receiver get in touch with me to let me know where she had landed.

It goes along with my adopted saying, from Dorie the little fish whose mantra is…”just keep swimming” It means never give up. NEVER EVER GIVE UP HOPE, she just might pop her head up nearly 10 years later, technically 9 and a half and say, “Hi I’m here and I’m ready to fly!”

It's been almost a year within a few days

You know why it’s been such a long while since I have sat down to blog? It’s because I started a podcast last year by the same name. It’s a very unprofessional podcast much like this blog. I just found it easier to talk out loud than to sit down and type. It lacks pictures and that part I miss but it’s far easier and although I don’t speak eloquently I do speak from the heart. I think if you search “Life in the Wylde West” on several podcast platforms you will discover mine.

We stayed in a sweet little desert cabin for our 27th wedding anniversary and I figured it would be so nice to share a few details of the cozy cabin here. I was so excited when we pulled up to see this big sign of Jesus on the property. None of the Airbnb photo’s on the website included this image. We had a wonderful time, not much to do because the town was shut down due to Covid19. There were markets open, fast food drive throughs and restaurant take out but that was all o.k. by me. I love to just relax and do nothing, I’m really good at it. I took these handful of detail pictures while Rich napped, that’s his favorite thing to do. While he napped I took pictures, drank hot coffee and flipped through some of the books laid out in the stylish home.

weirdo

I loved how the above image read “weirdo” made me feel as if I belonged. There was a broken record player which kind of bummed me out since I brought records to listen to and Mae the owner had a nice collection as well. It wasn’t her fault, the needle was sitting in the middle of the turntable when we arrived. Some people may not know how to properly care for record players I suppose. The orange, white and pink tin cups were from England and they were probably my favorite little piece in the place. Well the hanging, hippie chairs were great too.

That’s all for now. If you happen to find my podcast don’t let the first episode scare you off, it’s really terrible (lol) they actually don’t get too much better but it’s like a talking diary really. I wanted to move out of California it’s how it all began, my big dream to move out of here until I gave motorcycle man actual chest pains from my ambitious attempts to flee the state. Somewhere between now and then I’ve found joy where we are planted his chest pains have gone away. Covid has introduced me to Her Giving Tree and other kind hearted neighbors have been introduced to us through this pandemic. It’s been the good things to focus on. It made me ask myself “why do I want to move?”

CHEERS!

People will let you down. Maybe not everyone you know but most people at some point will let you down. YOU will let people down, without a doubt you will let people down. This is as inevitable as death itself. We were created imperfect and imperfection is really good at letting people down.

Sometimes the people we love the very most let us down more than we ever could have imagined. How do you forgive when the let down leads to extreme hurt? This is such a difficult question for me. I’m getting much older and as one might imagine. I’ve been hurt and I’ve been cause of hurt. Neither feels very good.

I find that I often sit in the space of the one feeling hurt. I don’t like to sit in the space of the one who has caused the hurt, it's difficult to admit sometimes that we are the cause of something. Blame is so much easier. It reminds me of what Jesus said in John 8:7 “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone “ I have no right. If I have said my sincere apology and they still do not feel like forgiveness is the answer or love is the answer, I have to accept it. I have no choice. That’s really hard.

I have been really hurt and have hurt someone I love. I sincerely apologized and there was no seeing eye to eye. That’s how wars happen among brothers. The Civil War. It’s so very frustrating too because all one wants is for the other person to acknowledge one’s said point of view but the other has a completely separate point of view and neither seems willing to bend.

The most simple piece of advice also found in scripture seems almost impossible to accomplish when it should be so easy. Also found in John 13:34-35 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” John is pretty awesome book by the way.

Speaking from experience, with time (some) of the initial sting goes away. Time and space help the healing process in regard to all sorts of loss. It’s true. My feelings today are far less intense as they were years ago. In fact some of the details have faded away and sometimes I can’t even remember all the details of what tore us completely apart.

Just LOVE. If it could be that easy.

sparks of JOY

The 10 minute challenge has been going well.  It doesn’t always mean blogging, it means updating a SMASH journal this week, just jotting thoughts on scrap paper and sometimes it means sitting here in front of a monitor and typing the words that dance around in my head.

This Sunday morning as I enjoyed my cup of coffee and looked around the house I started to think about the little big things that spark joy in my life. 

It can begin at the cup of morning coffee which is a consistent habit in my life.  Often times made with love by the man I love.  This morning I was reminded of motorcycle mans love of tennis and how he will record tennis matches so he can see who will win the big game.  Before DVR’S he would set his alarm to watch games that were televised in the early morning hours while we all slept.  This sparks joy in me because it’s part of who he is and I love all the details the makes Rich the person I fell in love with. 

I love when I notice a new flower has opened up in the garden, or a tomato flower has popped open, knowing it will soon be a beautiful piece of fruit.  I love to watch a snail slowly cross the sidewalk and leave an iridescent trail behind its path.

I love the smell of the barbeque when the meat is grilling and the charcoal aroma reminds me of how blessed we are to have consistent meals. I love to sit around the backyard fire at night, especially with people I love, music playing and the dim city stars scarcely to be seen. 

I love when Abbie and Blue Jay call me up to show me a purple light shadow on the bedroom floor because they know it will spark the shot of joy that makes us all smile and laugh.

I love walking past the gigantic ceramic bowl of fruit that sits on the dinning room table and catching the fragrance of fresh peaches as I walk by.

I love how this year is the year of rainbows and I become so excited to find them in the most unexpected places.  I love when I set my intention to find things they appear, the hearts, the feathers and now rainbows.  I’m realizing that when we set our intentions on the good, good finds us back. When we smile and speak in love, smiles and love follows us back. 

Although all these things have been fully enjoyed in the decade of 40,  40 was not my most spectacular decade.  I will call it the decade of learning and sometimes the lessons were hard.  If I didn’t focus on the little big things it may have been worse.  If I didn’t have my faith and belief in a God much bigger and greater than anything, things would have been far worse.  I had high anxiety and it resulted in some obsessive compulsive behavior  (truth be told, it’s still a struggle a little bit) I feel deeply and my make up is to hold it all inside.  This decade I have been practicing to speak out more and it’s helped elevate some of the symptoms.  If you have followed me for a time and know some of my story I had sores all over my legs and some of my body because I picked myself obsessively.  I wanted to believe it was a condition so I spent more than half the decade looking for the answer through diet, multiple doctors visits and so many ointments it was completely ridiculous.  Until  the 3rd  dermatologist who was straight forward,  told me it was ALL ME.  No weird food allergies or skin conditions.  I just needed to figure out how to deal with my self hate and anxiety in another more healthy way.  This part has been the journey.  It’s better so much better, I call it 98%.  Perhaps when I reach that half way to 100 mark I will have it in the bag.

no guilt...is it possible?

It seems as if I more often than not feel more feelings of guilt than fully enjoying the moment while I’m experiencing it. My natural tendency is to feel badly about the things I manage not to accomplish in a day rather than rejoice about the things I actually achieved.

For example I can be writing a letter or doodling at the art table and I’m thinking about the steps I’m not getting in or how I should be walking Max and why aren’t there more hours in a day? Stepping outside my many crazy thoughts, shouldn’t I be happy that I have time to doodle or write a letter? I realize my expectations are usually too big. I want to do it all and when I fall short I beat myself up about it. I miss the moments if I’m too worried about what I think I ought to be doing.

Recently I treated myself to these amazing french fries with gravy, cheese curds, shredded beef and pickled red onions. Oh they were so delicious and I finished my meal with a chocolate gelato pop. Truth be told I did overindulge. I think it would have been so nice to split the fries with a friend but I was alone and I just couldn’t stop eating even after I felt full. I think that was the biggest point. I ate after I felt so full, just kept eating. I never want to feel guilty about what I’m eating but I think it’s a really good idea to be mindful of how quickly I tend to eat without thinking or to stop when I begin to feel that satisfied feeling. I felt guilt when I was finished and that’s not what I want for myself.

I feel guilt when I fall asleep without taking off my makeup. I feel guilt when I want to make time for yoga but instead I scroll IG and watch stories or make stories. I have a friend who is so great with time blocking and she has made blocks of time to spend on social media. But what if I’m not a natural schedule maker? What if the idea of making a schedule feels overwhelming and makes me even more anxious? Heck, I feel stressed out when I pack for a trip. I can’t explain it but making schedules, writing lists or yes packing for a trip stresses me out.

I’m trying now that I’m half way to 100 to embrace who I was created to be. I wrote a post about it not too long ago. I think I spend too much time wondering why I’m not like so and so and why can’t I do that like so and so, rather than focusing on what I CAN DO and what I’m good at.

Besides setting time to write each day, I believe I will focus on enjoying the moments, loving the food I eat and the company I’m with. I mean how awful is it to pass on your mom’s famous lasagna because there are too many carbs??? That’s just silly.

I’m blessed with some amazing wise women in my life who open up with me and share their stories and it helps, it helps me to see things in a more bright light. Enjoy who YOU were MADE to be.

For me this means loving my spur of the moment decision making skill. Having fun making recipes without following specific directions, leaving my bed un-made so I can write a letter or go for a walk in the fresh air. It may also mean sitting on the phone with an old friend who needs to talk and absolutely not feeling guilt for not being with my own family when I know darn well I spend ample time with them other hours in the day. Drop that guilt habit, guilt cultivates feelings of inadequacy and sadness. There is no time for that in this “one wild and precious life” as Mary Oliver so beautifully wrote.

I promised I would write 10 minutes a day

I’ll write 10 minutes a day and take a crazy SP with Tintype:) Today that is what I will do. I will literally begin by putting 10 minutes on the timer. It’s a lot like the Artist Way and morning pages, only I’m using my keyboard and just getting random thoughts out. Today I don’t think I have a topic. Just getting words out and that’s what writing looks like sometimes. Just getting those thoughts out of my head. They like to torture me and especially at night. The thoughts. They mostly are not very kind. I wonder why? Why can’t I flip a switch and turn those mean words into kind ones. I speak kindly to most everyone else. Why would I treat myself so differently? It’s a good idea to take my own advice don’t you think? Don’t even go back to re-read what you have written so far. Just WRITE. Nourish your passions! That’s what it said to do. She told me to do it too. How will I ever become better if I don’t spend time doing what I love? I wish I loved to paint magnificent paintings, I wish I loved to run, I wish I loved to heal people, I wish I loved to make delicious meals to share with friends, I wish I was a natural entertainer, I wish I was more loud, I wish I could walk on my hands….WHAT? Yes, I spend so much time wishing I was all these other things that I miss what is directly under my nose. Does that happen to you? What kind of book would I write anyways? Really what do I even have to talk about? Battle, battle, battle. Type words. Delete words. Who wants to read my words? These are the battles that live inside my head. All These words that dance in a big gigantic mosh pit in my head. My head hurts. 50 seconds left and I already did so much writing and deleting and arguing with myself. Yes, this is what writing looks like sometimes when you have not taken time to sit quietly and do what you love… just WRITE. Rusty..and that’s TIME.

No going back to manage my words. Gigantic mosh pits is silly, I wanted to change that. This is what 10 minutes looks like.

Be who God created YOU to be

This is a hard thing for me to do but it’s my mantra right now. I went to my every other Tuesday “coffee with Sharon” aka my therapist and last Tuesday I shared with her some exciting projects I have been working on. My first was the film making class I had enrolled in which I shared the post just before this one. By the time I met with Sharon I was on my 4th film of the week because the class goal was to create a small day in the life film for a week straight! I showed her my film from the day before and she asked to watch it twice. She loved it, she wanted to know how on earth I did it? To me it felt almost natural to make the film. I took the class to learn a few of the technical editing stuff but filming I explained to my therapist had been something I had done since I was a teenager. I told her about my grandpa who gave me my first camera and who believed in me so much he would have me be a second shooter for a wedding he was video taping. I think when I filmed that wedding with him I was maybe a Junior in high school maybe even younger. I would film my friends after school and on the weekends. I always had ideas brewing in my head about moving pictures or still photo’s. It made me happy, it opened my eyes to the beauty around me. Since I’m a quiet observer it gave me an opportunity to share what I was taking in as I lived my quiet and mindful days. As I sat and talked to Sharon last Tuesday I also told her about the upcoming art walk and the folding of cranes. I had my post cards with me and I shared some with her. She was so excited and happy for me and she reminded me that I need to keep being who God created me to be. She said that when I talked about these things she saw a light inside me that she had not seen in quite sometime. She told me I wasn’t supposed to compare my films to my brilliant teacher or other amazing film makers and she told me not to compare my doodles to other talented artists. She said I was to focus on what I was capable of and the gifts God made me and if I did what made me happy I would begin to feel content.

Now when I go to sleep each night I try and remind myself to just be who God created me to be!

hello world!!

Goodness gracious. Someone took a long break from the blog world:) However I’m newly inspired. There truly is so much inspiration all around me, the garden is BURSTING IN COLOR!! All the little poppy seeds I planted in October have come alive and it’s a joy to me to see them each morning when I wake up!

I’ve been in a creative slump these past few months. I have not made time to doodle or draw, blog or even take very many pictures. I think it’s normal to go through some dry spells so I’m not too upset about it. I do miss it though. It always is a form of therapy for me to have some sort of creative outlet. Two things in the future that have sparked my creativity again, one is the art walk on my birthday and the other is a film class I joined on-line.

My friend and neighbor asked me to show some art with him in May for a small city art walk. When he asked me I thought to myself, what in the world will I even share? I was so flattered that he wanted to show with me and I love being part of community so I accepted without even knowing what I would be showing. I have since decided to share how much folding cranes means to me. I have taken many pictures of my little folded cranes throughout the past couple of years and I’m going to share their story. I know the cranes don’t resinate with the masses however they are special to me so I’m going to do what sparks joy in my soul. In fact Lynda my neighbor’s wife has battled a couple of bouts of cancer and the second round when it was especially difficult I wanted to fold her a crane each day she went through intense chemo up until her new birthday! I fold cranes when I feel like I need to be still and quiet and pray. I fold cranes when someone leaves this world. I fold cranes for a variety of reasons, some good of course. I remember wanting to learn how to fold a crane and it took me quite a while to figure it out so when I did, I wanted to keep folding and keep folding so I wouldn’t forget. This May, the cranes will be featured for the city artwork along side my friend who makes the most awesome big, big metal robots. I made square postcards to share and I still need to figure out the few I want to print and show.

Lastly I joined a film making class with Xanthe Berkeley it’s a 10 day course that encourages us to make a film every day for an entire week about our daily lives. Just a really short film with hi-lights of our day. In it she is teaching us how to use a new app and this class is specific to using your cell phone for filming and editing it on your device as well. All of that part is new for me. I took a year long time capsule class from her in 2015 and we used our DSLR’s for filming and our computers for editing. I’m determined to learn something new. I made a one minute film on Saturday and while I used my cell phone, I was frustrated with how long the app was taking me to edit so I edited my film on iMovie because I already knew that program. Below is the short film I made and guess what…6 more mini’s to go. This should spark some creativity for sure.

I learned at least how to use music that is free to share. I only have to mention their website, music credit goes to www.bendsound.com This way anyone can watch this short film without a password etc. it's now public. Thank you bensound. This little song is called small guitar, it's a happy little tune. I'm sharing here because the new app for editing is driving me insane (lol) learning new things is hard but I've got this! Thank you Xanthe for being such a great teacher.

Our Mindful Eye

“If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden.”

— Francis Hodgson Burnett (The Secret Garden)

In our neighborhood there lies a long narrow patch of what used to be dirt and weeds. We have lived here for 19 years and this is what it has been the entire time. Until recently, I noticed that sprinklers were installed and grass was planted. I’m not sure who this property belongs to? I drive by this patch of land sometimes twice a day if not more. I pass by it on my walks. I noticed a while back on one of my walks that it looked like sunflowers were growing. I’ve been keeping my eye on them. Today I drove by and noticed one had bloomed!! I stopped my car and took a picture of the beautiful sunflower blooming on November 4th! I’m used to seeing sunflowers in the summer and this just seems to me like a gift. I’m not sure who planted this row of sunflowers against the block wall and in the new grass but they are there and they bring me joy. I’m sure they make others smile too. I wish I knew who planted these. I would give them a hug and say thank you.

There is a place we walk sometimes that is pretty much a weed patch mixed with wild flowers that birds might plant. I have often thought it would be nice to scatter poppy seeds or hollyhock seeds in this massive space of neglected land. I have not done it. It’s just been a thought. Maybe I should act on it? I think it might bring joy to some. There is a children’s book that is about something along these lines. It’s called “Miss Rumphius” written by Barbara Cooney. It’s about a women who lived by the sea and wanted the world to be more beautiful so she planted lupine seeds where ever she went!

Last week got hectic and I forgot to take a picture or post. I’m trying to get back on track this week, even if it means an iPhone photo like the one I share above. I realize the whole point of this project was to pick up our big girl cameras and be mindful. I was mindful and I count that as half. I stopped to admire a beautiful sunflower. I wonder Christina’s mindful eye found this past week, you can visit her HERE at 22 LIMES and see:)