community

It’s only been within the last few years that i have felt a part of a community.  But not to the fault of others, the fault is exclusively my own.  You see, I’m reserved, I’m insecure and also afraid.  These are my natural inclinations.  “they won’t think I’m smart enough”  “I have nothing to offer” and these are just a few of the thoughts that I let fill my head. It is not that I have not been invited to do things with others, women I know have invited to me to their bunko groups, in which I always say “no thank you”  that just seems like it would overload me entirely.  I have however been a part of women’s Bible study to which I’m usually the quiet one, I don’t open up very much which doesn’t give the other women much to work with.  I have always been far more of an observer in this life than a participator.  Can that change?  Of course it can change but this means I have to change. 

WHAT CAN HAPPEN IF YOU LET PEOPLE IN

I’m happy to say change has happened.   I have changed ever so slightly.  I found my community in the most unlikely spot, a place I didn’t even realize existed until I joined a photo sharing site in 2009.  I began to upload my daily photographs there and it was not immediate by any means, it actually took a few years to build relationships with other photographers.  But when I did my world changed.  I began to say YES to photo walks near my city with other local photographers but before I said yes to a big group meet up, I first said yes to our very own Meg, in this blog roll. She was the very first “stranger” yet completely not a stranger I met in person within this group of artists. The connection was very real, we already had so much in common and as we opened up with one another we realized our camera’s were not the only thing we shared.  It was quite exciting.  I mean what person can you meet for the very first time in your life who agrees to lay on the grass and talk about our similarities and then shoot a picture of ourselves doing that kind of peculiar thing but for us….it felt normal.  I had found my people. 

THE VERY FIRST PERSON I MET IN THE WORLD OF FLICKR

I’m still quite, I’m still an observer but from this tiny step of faith I have met so many other amazing people who share the same love as myself.  It’s hard to explain this to some people.  It seems strange I know but it’s very real and it has helped me to grow as a person and also as photographer. 

HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN YOU DO THIS WITH? AND THEY THINK IT'S TOTALLY SANE?

I have learned to be a part of a community it means I need to be vulnerable, I have to be honest and I have to be a little bit brave.  It’s not the people who were stopping me, it was myself.  And now I’m a part of this strange and amazing community of like minded people.  They seem to love, just love there is not a judgment over our economic status, or our religious beliefs or even our political point of views.  This community just loves.

SOME OF MY PEOPLE

It's an honor to be a part of this blog roll which if you think about it is a community in itself.  I always, always love Staci Lee's point of view and I know you will too, she shares her thoughts on  community HERE  at a Life Developing.  

ONE YEAR AGO to the day i almost quit.

And this is my story about NOT GIVING UP.  It was around spring of 2010 and I began to break out in weird bumps that I would not let alone.  I would not let them alone for so long and so consistently that I would have sores, open sores on my legs that would scab up and I would pick and pick and pick. I would wake at all hours of the night and I would pick.  I found this strange comfort in the picking, trying to make these imperfections smooth.  So many of you know my story.  I have shared it over and over and over again.  Mostly in hopes of getting some help.  There were times I felt so hopeless I literally wanted to die.   This sounds so dramatic but it's the truth.  I would rip myself up so much that it hurt, it hurt really bad and although it felt really good while I was doing it, I always ended feeling like an addict who couldn't get ahold of herself and then suffered from this great remorse.  "Maybe this will be the last time?" " Maybe it will have to get really bad and I mean the worst ever before it will be better?"  Sometimes I scratched so hard only clear sap would weep out of my sores and I would often compare my big thick legs to actual tree trunks that wept sap and were a lost cause. But since so many of my readers, friends and family know my story this is all I will say about the PAST.  And this post will be the LAST POST I make about my sore legs.

Because

I'm finally healed.  I have no more scabs or open wounds.  NONE.  I do have what looks like scarring but the doctor assures me it will heal perfectly so what I think to be scars just needs to continue to heal. It was so many years of abuse to my skin that it will take some time for them to look like new again.  But they will because I never gave up and I would always say "there is always hope"

So on the days you keep looking for the answers but the answers don't seem to come and on the days you feel like completely throwing your hands up and giving up I beg you to keep going.  Just keep going. Never, ever give up.  You will fail so many times and I mean countless times, like years of failure but if you give up then you will never reach success.  You just have to keep pushing through.  No matter what keep pushing.  Because yesterday when I saw the 3rd dermatologist and 7th doctor over all he said  and I quote "You know what a success story is?  You are a success story...YOU"  He went on to say, "what you did was hard, really hard, and a lot of people can't do it, but you did it.  And I can't believe how quickly you are healing"  I got high fives and tight hugs and I nearly cried tears of joy...only I didn't.  I saved that for when I got into the car.

I learned so much in these 6 years.  

I learned that God never once gave up on me

I learned to finally stand up for myself

I learned that addiction can come in many forms

I learned that perfection does not exist in any human

I learned that change is really, really hard

I learned that loving yourself is as important as loving others

I learned that by not giving up I finally discovered what it's like to be set free

I learned that some days would be harder than others but all days would hold a blessing

I learned who my real friends were 

I learned that when people believe in you that's awesome

BUT

really big wonderful things can happen when you believe in yourself 

I learned that God does come first but this doesn't mean He wants us to neglect self care

I can only hope too that because I experienced some discomfort, depression and some hard life lessons that I can help others by sharing my story here today and I promise from here on out we only talk about the NOW...not the past and not the future but the NOW and the now is pretty amazing today. 

insomnia - what do you do?

noun

1. Insomnia

inability to obtain sufficient sleep, especially when chronic; difficulty in falling or staying asleep; sleeplessness.

 I don’t like to say I have insomnia, my notion of insomnia is someone who can’t sleep at all and is up all night long however based on the definition of insomnia I do suffer in a small way.  And honestly I think a lot of woman in general struggle with sleep.  Part of my routine at night includes sleepy time tea or some form of a night time tea and on some occasions a sleep aid but not on a very regular basis, I don’t like pills in general.  I will use my lavender essential oil too. But still I often wake in the early morning or what I like to call middle of the night.  Typically around 2 or 3 a.m.

In fact this is such a common occurrence for people in general that they even make journals for people with insomnia.  My cousin got me one of these, it has clever little quotes and is entertaining in the middle of the night.

What I do like about the middle of the night is, it’s quite.  So quiet I can hear the clock ticking (which I really love) and I can hear sometimes a train off in the distance which is comfort to me.  I hear a random car swish by and even sirens sometimes.  I have even walked outside to hear the birds, yeah, birds, some birds can’t sleep too.  I also feel like at times my middle of the night, my wakings are nudges from God.  A time to get close to Him, pray, read and sit in the peace of His presence.

These are some of the things I can do in the middle of the night and have done in the quiet hours.   

Brew another cup of tea

Light a fire

Pray for people I love

Open my Bible to read a little

Read a devotion

Watch t.v.

Write a letter to God

Write a letter to a loved one

Journal

Night time photography (that needs some major practice)

Take a bath or shower

Dip my feet in the pool

Find the moon

Watch the sun come up

Last night I read a fairy tale out of a book from my childhood.  The little match girl.  Have you read it?  Not a very good ending.  I'm not sure that was such a good idea.

 What do you do?  How do you handle your interrupted sleep? 

taking stock november

MADE: (memories) I made time for a moon date, I made time to see Jeanie and she treated me to dinner!! Which also allowed me to get automatic joy from a little critter named Caiden,  I made time to see my niece play softball, I made time to see a friend’s home and visit for a while, I made time to make a visit to Landers to enjoy time with family, I made time to have Amelie over for a weekend with her cousin, I made time to visit a little person in the hospital which also included spending time with two other friends and it also lead to automatic joy from another little critter named Caleb.  And I was going to get down on myself for not MAKING anything but I’m so happy time was made and set aside for friends and family.  Not to mention a large family gathering at my home for a Thanksgiving meal.

COOKED:  A Thanksgiving meal

DRANK:  More soda than I should have

READING: At Home in Mitford by Jan Karon, a friend of my loaned me the book

WANTED: To fully enjoy the upcoming December Advent with time spent with family and no hustle and bustle.  I totally boycotted Black Friday and Cyber Monday.  I want to make things with my family and friends and spend time with them making memories.

RECEIVED:   a darling soup/coffee mug with tea, a giving key “set free”, a really adorable, tiny heavy bird and a beautiful handmade tiny quilt with an angel on it from four really sweet and giving souls and they all wrote the most beautiful letters to go with their gifts. And cupcakes…mini ones and big ones from our friend who just began a new job at a cupcake shop!!

DECIDED:  To rearrange the blue room for winter

WISHED:  Reconciliation between two families

ENJOYED: Trying a new church with a good friend

WONDERED: Why some people have no trouble at all sweeping things under the rug and acting like everything is okay when it’s not okay at all.

WORKED ON: Accepting what I can’t change alone

STARTED:  to make more room on my hard drive

WATCHED: Home Alone and Inside Out

HOPED:  Hearts would soften and things could change

NEEDED: grace….towards myself

SMELLED:  toasty fires and home cooked meals

WORE:   a red tutu for seriously the happiest 5k on the planet

NOTICED: that when you give you tend to receive without even planning on it

KNEW:  that November would fly like lightning and although I didn’t share my gratitude daily via social media, I practiced it.  Gratitude has proven to be truly good medicine.

THOUGHT:  A little bit about what my word may be for 2016

ADMIRED:  Those who seem completely satisfied living simply and giving so much when they don’t have much to give themselves.

SORTED:  our books again and set out the Christmas children’s book on the old garden chair we brought in this month

BOUGHT: A giving key for a giving soul and a birthday gift for my sweet sister Mandy.

FINALLY:  Participated in the color run! 

DISLIKED:  The lack of grace I have witnessed towards a little girl who is only deserving of love and grace and honestly I get angry when I think about it…I’m working on that part too.

FELT: sad because I don’t understand why some things don’t always turn out the way I had imagined.  I know it’s not good to have expectations and humans will disappoint.  It’s just the way life tends to be.

SNACKED:  on cupcakes…thanks to Tessa

LISTENED: to Non Dairy Dreamer who gets a time slot each Thursday from 10-11 on a local University channel https://www.usfca.edu/kusf

DISCOVERED: that no matter how hard we try, there will be disappointments in this life but it’s the way we handle them that makes all the difference.

SCRIPTURE:   Lamentations 3:23

28 days

“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance”

— Romans 5:3

Yesterday when we got home I thought about what my ordinary might be.  Rich had set the courage poles in the garden’s ground last weekend.  I thought I should see how sturdy they are.  With my camera in my hand and as I climbed to just the first level I shot down.  I fell immediately in love with the image.  I’m noticing that I tend to lean towards the darker exposures rather then the lighter ones.  I true benefit of shooting in manual.  I have already shared this image as part of my ordinary but I have also decided to include it into today’s blog. 

In October I began a new journey.  A journey of truth and a journey of acceptance and my favorite part, the journey to complete healing.   So below are my legs today.  It’s been exactly 28 days today since I simply stopped scratching.  Like cold turkey.  That rubber band on my wrist.  I didn’t really need it much.  I didn’t like snapping myself with it.  I just decided I had enough, I understood the reasons why.  I stood up.  I stayed strong, I lost a great deal but I gained so much more.  I gained my health, I gained understanding and I was able to realize the true gifts God has given me, the people in my life who I can have a mutual love with, the ones who build up and do not tear down, the ones who show grace, the ones who forgive, the ones who realize humanity is just that…plain old humanity with flaws, cracks and imperfections.  I choose to surround myself with these people.  I choose to still love the others but it’s one thing to love and another thing to allow them to remain like a constant storm in my life. 

ONLY SCARS REMAIN

It has all been about baby steps, really teeny tiny baby steps.  I have been told I’m stubborn so I suppose I just took a long time to get it through my head how hard but really how simple this could be. My next goal after the healing has taken place will be  my core.   My life coach, she is so very wise and she reminds me that when our core is strong and sturdy, then all other things naturally seem to fall into place.  Spiritually I want a very strong core but also physically I want a strong core.  Once my legs heal completely I will focus on my core.  Spiritual and physical.  This will take lots of work on my part.  I’m ready. I will also realize just like the healing, this might take a good long time and with it will come lots of failure.  Yep, that will happen and I will have to be okay with it because as we all know we have to fail in order to succeed.  

I feel so honored that I have been able to share my heart with whomever is willing to read my words and through the years it has been a good deal of people.  Because these beautiful people, they encourage me, they make me cry good tears and they love.  They are love.  So many of the people who read my words are love.  I have learned this and it has taught me a great deal about people.  

dancing at sunset in color

I shared yesterday how we took a trip to the beach Sunday to watch the sunset.  We missed the full setting but still was just the medicine we needed.  

In the minutes she danced, jumped, twirled and ran from the waves nothing else mattered, for those minutes her mind was clear, my mind was clear and we fully enjoyed the moment.  

We took off our shoes.  We felt the sand.  We felt the warm water and we drank in each moment of that sunset.  Motorcycle man, he stood back, he kept his shoes on, his windbreaker on and he watched.  He watched his girls do what they do. Maybe that was his medicine. 

These images take me straight back to that moment. The moment we felt the perfect breeze, the warm salt water on our feet and ankles and we could hear the waves crashing.  

I don't think you even needed to be right there with us to feel how freeing it must have been. 

She danced like nobody was watching but there I was snapping away, her dad watching us both, surfers packing up their boards, strangers sitting at the shore.  But she danced, and she danced and it didn't matter.  I learn from her sometimes.  I do.  Her spirit is free.  Her spirit feels deeply, this can be a blessing and and a curse and it also takes some managing in the younger years but we try hard to guide her as she grows. 

She has a natural grace about her.  It's almost like she lets her body move without her mind getting in the way.  

Next time I will join her.  We will dance, run, jump and splash together.  We will laugh and our memories will be in our head. 

This is what freedom looks like. This is what it looks like to be free of worry, free of sadness and free of troubles.  In these moments she was free. 

I'm so happy I have a guy who will be up for our little whims, who drives us to the beach and let's us run free.  I'm pretty sure Sunday's sunset was a favorite for all three. And before I began to capture the evenings moments, I first knelt down to photograph some darling birds along the waters edge and you know what happened?  A tiny wave jumped up and formed the sweetest ocean heart!!!

Do you see it?

slow sunday and sunset at the beach

Yesterday was a slow Sunday.  Church service is late so we get to take it slow.  Worship was my favorite part yesterday, normally for me it’s about the message but the message seemed to be in the worship for me.  I was really tired for some crazy reason.  I yawned way too much during the service. 

After church we got some really delicious poke which is in case you  have never heard of it, it's a raw fish salad and it’s very good.  To us, it’s very good.

Then we came home and took a nap.  Yep a nap in the middle of the day.  I had desperately wanted to get to the ocean yesterday because I thought it would be good for us.  So after our nap I read my first lesson on stills, a class I will be taking for the next several weeks about taking stills.  This week we are just to study the light and collect some nature from a nature walk.

Just before we were to leave we saw our neighbors sitting out front so we joined them for a while and a quick visit before heading off to the beach. 

I was just a little bummed out we didn’t get a sooner start but I was completely satisfied knowing I would soon feel the sand beneath my feet and the ocean water on my toes.  We got there and although the photo’s I share here are not technically amazing they are completely amazing to me because I got to watch my littlest and only girl dance by the ocean while the sun set.  She was completely free and I could feel her joy.  I snapped a bunch of pictures and tomorrow I will share the color shots but today I share the the ones in black and white.  There is a wonderful vintage feel for me when I look at these.  I hope she will always remember the sea.  We have gone to the ocean here or there just she and I and it’s a place we find great peace.  This time motorcycle man stood back and watched his girl dance and his bride snap memories.  His two girls doing what they love to do best, I think that was his medicine watching us.   

tomorrow will be kinder

 Of all places I heard this song on a t.v. commercial??  So I looked it up and I really think it's a very sweet song.  So today I share it with you too because lately things have been a little rocky around here and if you have children you will know what I mean.  When you see your children hurt and in pain and really sad, one just wants to take that pain to be their own because it's just no fun at all to see your precious gifts in such pain. However one also knows that this is part of life and we must teach these children that there will be pain and if we give them the tools to cope, like prayer, scriptures and an example of how we ourselves deal with adversity then we are doing our best as their parent.  Pain is meant to be felt, we become the people we are because of pain, loss, love and laughter all of it, the good and the bad it shapes us into the people we become.  So I stand by her side, I listen to her valid feelings knowing tomorrow will be kinder.  

taking stock - october 2015

MADE:  Time to write letters, cards and notes.

COOKED:  A really hearty veggie soup that lasted for days on end!! Added avocado and cilantro as a topper and it made for a lot of good lunches.

DRANK:  the regular, water, coffee in the morning, red wine in the evening sleepy tea at night

READ:  Letters, Scripture and Bella Grace Magazine

WANTED: To complete a 365 and I came up with the ordinary

RECEIVED:  a handmade wooden box from 2nd born, and a beautiful handmade ceramic bowl I ordered from Alisha that reads “keep love”

PLAYED:   with my mom at the Getty

DECIDED:  it was about time I photograph silver

WISHED:   for resolve

ENJOYED: a small group of Abbie’s friends for a fun Friday after school, The girls have a way of bringing such joy into a home

WONDERED: how long it will take for my scars to heal

WORKED ON: finding stories and beauty in the ordinary every single day

STARTED:  on my path to recovery

WATCHED: Dylan perform at his first school concert

HOPED:  bad things didn’t have to happen

NEEDED: be an example for my littlest and only girl

SMELLED:  the tiny cinnamon broom we picked up at Traders, a pine candle (thank you Sarah) and all the smell that get us ready for the holiday, even boiled some apples and cinnamon.

WORE:   my girls  blue and hot pink running shoes

NOTICED:  a few more hearts than normal, I think God knows I needed them

KNEW:  I needed to change a very bad habit

THOUGHT: it would be a good idea to do things different then I normally do, because what I normally do doesn’t change anything.

ADMIRED:  My littlest and only girl for sometimes being even more grown up than me, she has been telling me a lot lately to “just let it go”

SORTED:  lots of loose thoughts

BOUGHT: a big gigantic new paper star lamp for the dining room table light from IKEA, you can’t beat a $12.00 light that looks totally amazing.

FINALLY:  the switch was flipped

DISLIKED:  the sadness I have witnessed

FELT:  like I have a new chapter to begin

FOLLOWING: a blogroll I was asked to join and have met so many new amazing women of faith

SNACKED: more sugary snacks since I figured out sugar is not enemy as I suspected

LISTENED:  intently to my life coach which lead to reflection, which lead to action, which has lead to a feeling of freedom which has changed my life dramatically in one month.

DISCOVERED:  that admitting my struggles has changed my life.

SCRIPTURE:   Jeremiah 29:11

when you don't belong

I have never been a part of a blogroll but when Staci Lee  invited me I was actually flattered that she thought of me.  I said yes and quickly missed the very first deadline.  It’s so different when you have a shared topic and a deadline.  I believe this blogroll will stretch me as a writer and  as  a person, this second topic was an extremely difficult one.  Had me dig really deep.  Dug up some raw feelings and in the process of thinking it all out I’m able to share some of my story that I have not talked about in over 2 decades.  

Come with me if you will to when I was a petite 18 year old girl.  A girl who didn’t quite fit in.  A feisty redhead who was confident in her skin, so much so that in some ways it didn’t matter to her that she didn’t fit in and she embraced that part about being different yet there was this emptiness that she couldn’t quite fill up.  She was quiet, she was shy and she was for sure an introvert.  She experienced a great feeling of not belonging.  Not just belonging to social groups in school but belonging to this world at all. This was even harder for her to comprehend because she attended a Christian private school and she was raised in church. It was an interesting time.  She experienced such sadness and so many thoughts she could barely keep up with them so…. she wrote. She wrote a lot.  She has always written a lot.  

She also heard voices.  The voices were not even human.  They scared her.  She would yell at them.  “leave me alone”  “Go away!”  But they never left, they followed her. 

Her thoughts were dark.  She felt very alone.  She didn’t talk to anyone about it.  She just sat in the dark and wondered how she could get out of a place where she didn’t belong?

Ironically 27 Halloween’s ago she decided the best way to get out of where she didn’t belong was to drink herself to death.  She was petite and it probably wouldn’t take too much.  She wrote a small note and slipped it into her front pocket.  “Sorry mom and dad, it’s not your fault” and before she left she took a few long drags of her dad’s scotch and off she went.  The boys knew where to buy alcohol . The boys told her about night train.  That Halloween night the boys took her to buy a bottle of that nasty stuff and went to a party.  A party she barley has a memory of.  Then the boys wanted to see this really scary halloween movie.  She can’t even remember the theater.   The only thing she remembers is complete blackness and a feeling of calm.  Until she began to choke on the tube in her throat.  She was told later she had passed out in the ladies restroom and a stranger called for an ambulance.  Was it a stranger or was it her angel?

To this very day she believes she was given a second chance.  A chance to be filled with light, a chance to understand, to have a testimony.  Her story had so many chapters left, so many more words, added characters and stories that included miracles, imperfection, love and forgiveness.  Because she knew what it was like to not belong she was given the ability to accept the ones who also didn’t belong.  To understand them, to love them and to encourage them, introduce them to the light.  The light that saved her life. 

I’m part of a blogroll and you will not be disappointed when you read what Lindsey M. Price has to say about what  its like to not belong. 

7 days of healing, liberation and best of all HOPE

Being inside my own body was like being in prison.  Yes,  for 5 years I compared it to a prison.  I have never been in prison however I just felt chained to the feelings of self hatred.  A self inflicted hatred.  I couldn’t scratch hard enough, long enough or deep enough and when I was done scratching very hard and my hands were red with blood and my finger nails dirty with skin then I would have feelings of great depression and sadness.  I spoke badly to myself, I would say things like “you are weak”  “I can’t stand you”  “can’t you get ahold of yourself already?!”  I saw several kinds of doctors, homeopathic, eastern, western, dermatologist, I tried acupuncture, I tried special diets, I did juice cleanses and maybe they would start to get better but it was always very short lived.  And my last post I explain how I finally accepted the truth.  I struggle with anxiety and OCD.  Nearly every doctor I have seen in the past 5 years, including a psychologist said I had anxiety and OCD issues.  I didn’t want to believe that for a second.  I have a big powerful God and he’s got this.  And I don’t need medication or psychotherapy.  I just need to not eat so much sugar, lose some weight, maybe wash my clothes in detergent that is scent free.  But to address my weakness.  No.  

When I saw the new dermatologist 7 days ago he said what everyone else says,  “they say that’s eczema huh?”  “well, I’m not completely convinced that’s eczema, you have something on your legs but I’m going to bet it’s not eczema”  He asked a lot of questions and quite honestly I had to hold back tears, it was like at any moment I was about to erupt. He told me he believed I suffered from anxiety and OCD… hum, like I haven’t heard that before.  He called my skin condition Lichen Simplex.  (common in people with anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder) it didn’t mean something wasn’t causing my legs to itch, but the way I attacked them so much and so aggressively, this was a different story. 

I thought I had this.  You know.  I was balancing things okay.  I still found happiness in my days, calling cards from God.  I found the goodness in each day and focused on gratitude.  But this was not enough.  I prayed, I read His word, but I wasn’t willing to admit I had this weakness.  I didn’t want to believe I was actually doing this to myself.  That I could be responsible for such destruction and at the same time could be responsible for quitting this terrible addiction. 

I’m a really easy going person.  I’m a quiet person.  I’m a pleaser.  These things come with consequences.  I hold my feelings deep inside.  I don’t stand up for myself.  I allow people to treat me a certain way.  They know it and I let them get away with it.  This is where I own up to how I’m responsible for my actions of allowing myself to be treated the way I’ve been treated in the past.  Like a doormat.  Like my feelings didn’t matter,  that everyone else’s feelings were more important than mine, I never want to hurt feelings, I don’t want to upset people.  I want everyone to like me.   Guess what?  Not everyone is going to like me.  It’s just the way it is. 

Everything happened at once sort of.  I began to see a life coach, I thought I had a goal to work on a certain relationship that I have struggled with for many years.  I made goals to make that relationship better.  Then it took a hard turn.  A bomb was dropped so to speak and then everything changed.  The life coach would ask me hard direct questions.  Like “How is Tracie going to show up for this?  And "how is Tracie going to be able to be her authentic self and still show up for this?”  So I made a hard decision and I stood up for what I believed to be right.  For the first time in many, many years I stood up for myself and my family.  And it felt right.  It felt liberating. And sometimes standing up for yourself could mean you lose friends.  But is that the kind of friend I wanted in the first place?  It’s not been super easy but I feel like I finally stood up to the giant.  And the giant didn’t like it one bit, the giant didn’t have control over me any longer so the giant decided to completely cut me out of it’s life.  

And now 7 days in I have no more scabs.  I don’t scratch when I drive my car, or sit at my desk or watch t.v. at night.  I have not woke in the middle of the night to scratch and pick.  I don’t scratch my legs to a bloody pulp before I take a shower.  There is no more blood in my sheets, there is not more skin and scabs all over my floor boards of my car or under the desk that I sit.  I know this sounds completely disgusting but this is my reality.  My reality for the past 5 years.  My prison.  

I can’t wait to show you what my legs are like in a another 7 days.  I can’t wait to wear a dress that hits my knees.  Dr. Phil is so right.  “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”  I’m healing so very quickly too, it feels unreal but it also feels so freeing and I can take deep breathes and smile and be proud of myself.  And I’m speaking much more kindly to myself these days. 

There is always hope.  Remember that.  Because 5 years when we have a lifetime is just a tiny bump in the road.  God is still faithful and God has always been there.  I needed to take this journey.  There was a reason.  I'm stronger for it now.  I believe this.  

And you know what really really helps?  Friends and family that are supportive.  The ones who build me up and cheer me on.  Not the ones to make me feel less than…or rather the ones I let make me feel less than. 

I am ready

My dermatologist says “information is knowledge”  I have heard this many times in my 45 years.  I know there is truth in this phrase.  Currently I’m working through some skin issues which really are not at face value.  I have also been told more than once that I have issues with anxiety and OCD.  This is not easy to hear.  So mostly I have ignored it.  I have not wanted to admit to it.  It sounds so weak.  I am not weak, I am STRONG. 

But not so much really. 

If I were strong maybe I wouldn’t be afraid to admit to such things.  My skin condition can be fixed.  It can be fixed by me.  If I stop scratching and picking at myself then it will go away.  Sigh.  This sounds hard.  But guess what nobody ever said success would be easy.  It will be hard.  But I also know I can do hard things.  I have an army of support and a leader who created this earth.  How can I fail? 

Today I begin by actually admitting I have a weakness and that’s okay.

Let the healing begin, this also starts by focusing on what is good and distancing myself from what is negative and destructive.  I’m ready.   

ordinary week

It’s time to share another week of ordinary:)  While the last few weeks have been what I consider un-ordinary.  I still made sure to take time and take one picture a day of what I consider to be an ordinary moment in our home.   

the cigar box that holds my postage stamps. 

The morning glory that grows like a wild animal.

The basket of inspirational messages, leaves and feathers. 

My little sister and my mom who consistently make me laugh, laugh so hard my belly hurts. 

Sunsets

Afternoon coffee

Vintage hand towels made with love. 

week 3 of the ordinary

I didn’t realize that when I decided to do a 365 beginning mid September this year that my theme would be and continue to be the ordinary.  Five years ago I did my very first 365 but I didn’t do it alone.  I had a friend.  We called our daily photograph a moment.  And this time around I decided to go back to my roots in a sense.  The ordinary has always been extraordinary for me.  I don’t get out much.  I work Monday through Friday every day at the same place since I was just 21, we have lived in our same home for 17 years now and it was supposed to be the 5 year plan.  So I suppose what I’m trying to explain is….my photographs are taken of my every day ordinary life.  People who matter, things in my home that I walk past day in and day out but deserve to be noticed.  And so the ordinary 365 began.  My plan although I will not be too hard on myself is to review my ordinary once a week here in this space but I share my ordinary daily via flickr, FB and IG.  Below are days 15-21 of the ordinary.

the cracked toilet seat lid my brother glued back together for us.

the Russian eggs Moon Rebel made in the 2nd grade

Simon and Garfunkel soaking in the morning light. 

first born helping in the kitchen.

the littlest and only girl who dances when it rains.

a new bowl that will hold prayers, feathers and just stuff...

taking stock....September

MADE:  Our down payment for the 8th grade DC trip.  I decided to go.  Trusting it will all just work itself out

COOKED: Mama Bears Southwest Chicken and two big pots of chili for a house full of family

DRANK:  Sun tea and cinnamon coffee

READ:  Chapter 1 of Artist Way, “Keep Going, the Art of Perseverance” by Joseph M. Marshall and “The Untethered Soul” by Michael A. Singer

WANTED: Get fit without any effort (lol)  If I think about it enough will it just happen?  Keep dreaming.

RECEIVED:  Two beautiful mermaid mosaics made by my talented sister-n-law….2 for only the price of 1!

PLAYED:  Spotify whenever I could

DECIDED:  To take a quarter off FB then quickly changed my mind

WISHED:  I was not so Stubborn 

ENJOYED: An art show that our Sister Sarah was featured,  spending a day taking the metro to San Juan Capistrano, A morning coffee visit at my mom’s, breakfast out with our neighbors, getting back to the school routine

WONDERED:  If I could live more simply

WORKED ON: My creative spirit

STARTED: Journaling each day and also a new project called the ordinary 

WATCHED: The blood moon eclipse

HOPED:  My motivation would just click into gear already

NEEDED:  A new bra

SMELLED:  Fresh brewed coffee and rain on the asphalt

WORE:  RED

NOTICED:  Dylan’s guitar playing has gotten even better

KNEW:   Control never equals freedom

THOUGHT: Going to the movies with Abbie and her friends and friends mom’s would be fun…it was

ADMIRED:  Crystal’s courage, and ability to work hard to get the things that are important to her, health and knowledge

SORTED:  My jewelry box

BOUGHT:  A new bra!

FINALLY:  Got the family laundry under control

DISLIKED:  Judgement and Controlling people

FELT:  LOVED

SNACKED:  Walnuts, Apple, Green Juice and always a little chocolate

LISTENED:  Songs I thought may go well with future videos

DISCOVERED:  Letting Go is vital to working towards that goal

SCRIPTURE:  Galatians 6:4   Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else.  (worth repeating)  

One more week of Ordinary

And when I say ordinary I mean it in the best possible way.  I decided that I miss what I used to do on Flickr.  I used to take nearly a photo a day and post it on my stream and mostly it was just every day kind of stuff, the things I find in my home and yard and every so often that would include a person in my home.  I decided to come back to this and now I'm on week two.  My goal is 365 days and 52 weeks of ordinary snap shots.  I have already thought it may be a little bit of a challenge while I'm away 10 days back East on an 8th grade History field trip but I know it's possible and I'm up for finding the ordinary outside of these four walls. 

I could photograph this little nook in my home every single day and never tire of it.  Each morning I'm taken by the way the light shines and casts it's shadows.  I'm also considering painting this room gray and I can't quite picture how the light will play off gray walls.  I guess we will see. 

Remembering waking early to cook up the start of the two big pots of chili we shared last week with family.  Thankful for the time we had to gather as extended family on a weekday night. 

Then waking the next morning to see this web above the dining table, half wondering if it was there all along as we gathered around the table the night before.  I can imagine the little spider spying on us as we laughed and talked around the table. 

Passing by that same dining table on a Saturday morning to notice my headphones just laying there and bringing music to my attention.  Had me thinking about how important music is in our home. 

Everything comes back to that Thursday night family gathering.  As I notice the wilted flowers the littlest and only girl had brought in to spruce up the bathroom for our company.  Wilted but still very charming and thoughtful.

Thinking I had found my ordinary in a photograph of Simon kitty when I sit to upload it and notice the thread I had set aside on my desk.  The reminder that we are all connected in LOVE.  It won over the kitty that day. 

And still bringing me back to Thursday nights meal when sweet Abbie tied back the kitchen curtain with small pieces of yarn and feeling God's love as I snapped a photograph and the light and prisms were perfectly aligned to create a small rainbow over the white cafe curtains that have hung in my kitchen window for maybe 10 years or so by now.  

These are the moments that caught my attention in week two.  Today I begin week three.  I wonder what will catch my attention this week?  Gratitude has become a way of life so much so I can't imagine a day without it, even in the toughest most difficult sad days there is something good to find.   

super excited about the ordinary

Since my last post about the ordinary I have been very consistent with finding an everyday ordinary moment to photograph. I would like to do a 365 out of the ordinary but let's not get to ahead of myself.  I have managed to capture 7 days in a row.  And I know some of this 365 will have to be while I'm away from home chaperoning the 8th grade Washington DC trip with my littlest and only girl. And that will actually be very exciting.  I went 6 years ago with my oldest son and although I had my big camera I choose to photograph the trip with my canon power shot (a small pocket camera)  Not this time.  This time the 70D will be going with me and I'm excited to shoot the ordinary while away for 10 days in March. 

Going back to every day kind of stuff found mostly within my home has been really rewarding these 7 days.  As simple as bringing flowers in that remind me of grandpa from my front garden. 

photographing the plant I'm growing in honor of a co-worker and friend who has passed on.

Or while visiting my family and noticing the girls together but apart as they play with their technology. 

Cleaning out my jewelry box and organizing my rings in the beautiful gifted dish and then taking it's picture and letting whoever reads my words know that I'm nearly the heaviest I have been and wearing jewelry is my thing since clothes don't fit quite right, then getting all this encouragement and unity with the women who understand or can relate.  Very rewarding and feeling beyond blessed with the support and sisterhood out there. 

Always appreciating the morning light and shadows but taking a moment to document it like I used to.  

Even finding beauty in the broken.  The beautiful and simple wedding china that we used not just weekly but nearly daily for 22 years.  It really did serve us well.  So Let's see what I may find in the next 7 and then the next 7 after that and so on.  

And with all of this I'm very proud to report that I actually went on a walk today with my littlest and only girl, three times around the school, found a tiny feather and sweat a little too, it was hot.  Glad I fit that in, must train for the DC trip, lots of walking to be done:) And considering signing up for the color run with my girl.  And what played over and over in my head as I headed out the door for a walk today...just start where you are.  Exactly where you are....just start. 

ordinary.....extraordinary things

My last post was all about comparison.  And I knew it wasn’t exactly right.  But I had to write about what really was happening because it was the truth and sometimes the truth isn’t very attractive.  

I decided that I have not given up the idea that was previously taken because I know I had this in mind long before I saw it visually played out and besides if you ask 10 of us to take a picture of the same flower, chances are you would have 10 different images of the same flower.  We all see things differently, just like we are all made unique from one another.  This had me thinking a little bit deeper though.  Why not look to my own work for inspiration.  See what inspires me?  What in the past has caught my attention?  I visited my old flickr page and since I had not re-newed to “pro” status I didn’t have access to the entire library however I saw enough to remember what speaks to me.  

Ordinary, extraordinary things.  

Things I find in the comfort of my very own home.

every day stuff

A kitchen towel laying by the kitchen sink

a cracked tile floor

a pile of laundry

the kitties

 light 

I began to see that I like to bring in little tiny flowers,  feathers and rocks.  I saw bars of soap, bowls of soup, cups of coffee and books.  I smiled because although these ordinary moments don’t mean much to you, to me the are my every day goodness and blessings.  So many blessings I often feel guilty as I sit and pray for the mom who lost her son in a drowning.  The child who lost their mom to cancer.  The home that burnt to the ground.    

So the clothes that need to be folded, yes, I think they are worthy of celebration through documentation.  The coffee spill on the kitchen counter and sometimes when I’m lucky that coffee spill makes a happy face or even a little tiny coffee heart.  I have pulled myself back.  At least for today because after all I live moment to moment, hour to hour, then day to day and so on. 

creative sparks

I’m finishing up a good book and finishing a good book is always kind of sad.  Yesterday as I read page 213 in “Seeing Beyond Tuesday” by Emily P. Freeman and I quote her here; “ But then the phone rings or we’ll get up for our chair pass a mirror in the hallway and notice the pounds we’ve gained.  We’ll move into the laundry room and see that new shirt that needs to lay flat to dry, the wall we want to re-paint, the memo with the grocery list”  She even talked about missing a wedding due to her lack of organization.  Guess who closely relates to so many of her words and her honesty?  Me.  I do.  While I read this I realize I’m not alone.  I know in my heart I’m never alone yet I just today walked by the big windows at church and took a quick glance and I saw an overweight gal….me.  Just like she said and how much does that really matter in the big vast world when so many other things are far more important?  Lives to be saved, time with family, love.  Yet, still those feelings flooded my mind.  Then I came home and ate some candy, had a few spoon fulls of raw brownie mix.  Im pitiful, really I am.  

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I sat in front of my computer and visited some of my creative venues and I began to itch and pull at my skin because in my mind I will never measure up.  I compare when I know this is exactly what I shouldn’t be doing.  I often feel like walking totally away from this inspiring technology.  I had this idea, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who ever had this one idea but I even verbalized it to my family more than a month ago.  It involved the go-pro, water and a blue dress.  We had trouble with a green and murky pool so I have been waiting patiently as it clears and it has somewhat cleared and before I could execute my “idea” I watched some films from my classmates and someone had the same sequence I had envisioned. The wind flew out of my sails.  I’m still gunna do it because I keep trying to convince myself these things I do are for me but if this person saw it she may automatically think I stole her idea.  So sometimes staying away from this creative world might be a good idea, it may not cloud my ideas or make me feel inadequate. 

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On the flip side I have always worked better in teams and collaborations.  I feed off people even though I’ m a complete introvert.  In another creative group we are slowly, thank goodness SLOWLY going through the artist way.  So in the few weeks I have imperfectly done my morning pages, sometimes completing my three pages, other times barely half a page, and if I’m being totally honest not even in the morning, sometimes it’s in the wee hours, or while I’m waiting to pick up the kids from school.  I’m trying so hard not to beat myself up for not being perfect in this practice.  Pep talking myself constantly that “I’m doing my best”  Just doing these pages daily I have been sparked by a few new creative ideas that I do want to execute.  I started one this week called the table chronicles.  So simple, just pictures of our common dining table and what ends up on it.  Or it could be my bathroom window ledge, what ends up there. The daily somewhat mundane things that have always seemed to captivate me and feel important and worth documenting.  These can be projects and yes they are creative.  

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And right now I still just want to bury myself under my sheets and sleep a good several hours but that’s probably because I ate a bunch of candy and brownie batter.  That’s the honest truth but as the go pro charges I may just execute my one clip for the film I have in mind.  We’ll see. 

the table chronicles

This morning the table chronicles were born.  Rich said out loud "the table has some interesting things going on"  That's all that needed to be said and I had my camera phone out documenting the table.  This is not staged this is real life.  These are the things that end up on the common table.  I knew much of it would be mine.  I tend to leave my "things" around.  I do like order so it does freak me out when it gets this way.  So this is what I did.  I took a picture of half the table and then I cleaned it up.  But guaranteed tomorrow will be a whole different scene of "stuff" on the table.  I have decided that every so often I will chronicle my table and just sort of tell you a little bit about the stuff that ends up there.  

The converse are Abbie's, she set them there before school started and they are the shoes she wore today.  The two pair of scissors.  I'm not sure who put them there and why. A lent roller for obvious reasons, two dogs and two cats.  A book cover, a little stand alone speaker (Dylan's) A little red riding hood antique bowl, the one I have been using for my prayer bowl, my Bible, a Target receipt, philips screw driver, colored pencils and a pencil sharpener.  A really really darling coloring book which has them theme of Paris.  I love all things French since my niece and nephew are half French and and my brother-n-law is French.  Although I have never been there, I dream of it.  A towel. My bag and two books and a pair of socks on the bench.  The Bench that was ruined last year when the boys decided to take it in the back yard and use it as a weight bench and we got a freak summer storm that took off it's finish.  Adds character right?  That's what they tell me anyway.  Oh my goodness the SOCKS!  Tell me I'm not alone in finding random socks here or there and everywhere except where they should be?

This is all I have to say about my table and the stuff it collects.